The Woman, The Wedding, and The Door lock.

Do you ever have one of those days/weeks where everything seems to go wrong?

Well that was me last weekend, and bloody hell it was expensive.

So my mate from work was going away on holiday and, to cut a long story short, left me his keys so I could stay at his and catch an early train down to Newcastle for my uni friends wedding.

Still following me? Good.

It was on the Thursday I got handed the keys and told the combination to get into the floor of his building. Come Friday night I was packing my stuff to go to his flat after work on the Saturday.

Why don’t you just go up tonight and hang your suit? That means it wont be crushed in your bag all day at work tomorrow.

Good plan Mother, good plan

Off I trotted to Glasgow with my travel bag and suit, hung on hangers and covered with a bin bag because I couldn’t find my suit bag. I know my step-dad stole it, I’m sure of it. Little bastard he is.

Anyway, so I get to Glasgow and leave the train, walking fast cause well its Glasgow on a Friday night! So fast my suit trousers fall out my bin bag suit bag and drop on the floor. Naturally I stepped on them twice by accident. 2 lovely footprints later I was on my way again.

After stopping to buy a bottle of wine (obviously), i set up my sat nav on my phone to help me get to the flat. Id only ever been by car so I was planning on being confused because I didn’t need to follow one way roads and such.

It took me all of 30 seconds to pass a Lidl so I knew I was heading to the Southside.

In about 15 minutes I found the street the flat was on and walked for a wee while and eventually I found the building.

Hmm, I could have sworn there was a different looking building opposite…

I thought to myself, but I got to the front door and it looked exactly as I remembered. I got in the building and went to the lift. Got to the floor, went to the floor door, punched in the code (wrong twice because the buttons were so small!).

Now the flat door is the first door on the right.

Oh, that’s not the number.

Tries key, doesn’t work.

Hmm, ok ill walk along and find his flat number.

Walking….walking…walking…

I end up at the floor door again. I walk through it and into the lift area i came from.

I was rather confused at this point so I just walked through the doors again and kept walking.

It felt like the hallway from The Shining.

I walked for another while, couldn’t find the flat, then came to the lift area again!

By this time I was actually so confused. Had I walked into the wrong corridor?

Was this the right floor?

Was I in the right building?

Had I died and this was Purgatory?

OK maybe not the last one, but I was freaked out. I figured I would go through the door one more time and see what happened. Low and behold, the flat was right there as I walked through the door.

Turns out I had entered the building at the opposite corner I should have. So i had basically walked a loop right round the whole place and got myself into a right muddle. I had come to the front entrances and should have gone to the back ones. Rage.

When I got into the flat I dropped my stuff and attempted to get the footprints off my trousers. Luckily Central Station isn’t dirty or anything, and the marks came off easily…

Suit hung, I cracked open the wine and watched some tv. I felt a little cold and attempted to turn on the heating. Apparently in Glasgow, electric heating is the norm! #Thirdworldproblems Having never used electric heating before in my life, I had zero clue how to work it. I twiddled knobs, flipped switches, nothing. Screw it ill lie under a blanket.

When I went to bed I closed over the door to keep any warmth I could create, in the room. Come morning I was freezing again and was still half clothed from the night before. I got up and left the room to go get a cup of tea when the door closed shut behind me and…

click.

That didn’t sound good.

Tried to open the door. Wont open.

FUCK MY ACTUAL LIFE ITS LOCKED ITSELF FROM THE INSIDE.

Being the strong macho man that i am, I quickly broke down the door with ease.

Or perhaps I tried pushing it a little then gave up. Lots of pacing round the flat uttering the word fuck seemed to be my mantra of the day. My phone, wallet and suit were all in this now locked bedroom and I was freaking out. I had work in an hour. I hadn’t showered. I had no key to the bedroom that worked (I looked everywhere for one) and I had no phone to call for help.

Why didn’t you just use the landline to call?

DOH why didn’t I think of that?! I’m clearly so stupid that I would walk past a house phone several times when panicking about not having a phone! Of course I looked for a phone! Wasn’t one of them either.

I had to head to work and luckily I had the house keys outside the bedroom, otherwise I would have really been up shit creek.

Luckily, when I got to work I met my boss straight away and told her the story…after she stopped laughing she said she would help me sort it. She let me use her phone to look up and call a lock smith.

hello, how can I help you?

I need a locksmith to open a bedroom door for me

What’s your postcode?

Fuck, what is it?

What’s your address and we can see if we can find it

220 Wallace St

We have found it, A locksmith can be round at 1pm

That’s great, tell them to use the back entrance!

I felt 100 times better now I knew it was going to get sorted but I was still worried the locksmith would go to the wrong door. Luckily work let me go early so I could get back to meet the guy.Before I left I called again to double check the appointment.

Hi I’m just checking my appointment for 1pm.

What’s your postcode?

Aww for fuck sake.

Do you have a reservation number?

Oh i know this one!

Right so that’s flat 2, 20 Wallis st

Yeah that’s righ…no wait what? No!

Oh

Its 220 wallACE st!

Right ok

Can you please double check the man knows where that is?

…oh right yeah Ill give him a ring

Oh marvellous. Brain for bloody Britain on the phone here!

Yeah that’s fine the driver knows the area well!

Slammin.

I power walked through Glasgow on a Saturday afternoon like no ones business. Passed the Lidl again, on the right track, and made it back to the flat.

1pm – no locksmith

1:15 – no locksmith

1:45 – no locksmith

Paul: fucked.

Eventually this van pulled up and a guy came out “You locked out?”

Thank god! Thank all that is holy! sweet jesus praise the lord!

Explaining the story to the locksmith guy, I got to the flat (the correct door this time) and let him in. Looks at door. Hmm. Pulls out this odd contraption from his bag, slides it in, door unlocks. That £140 please.

140 quid down the drain later, door propped open within an inch of its life, things were sorted.

The day of the Wedding went without issue (Thank God!). Which was wonderful because I don’t think my bank balance could have taken it.

I had an amazing train ride down in the morning, first class, lovely. Cup of tea and a muffin? Why yes, I will. Oh its complimentary? (Free – just say it for gods sake) well Ill have 5 then.

Once I arrived in Newcastle I went to get a taxi. I always dread taxis in unfamiliar places, mostly because im scared of being murdered. But in Newcastle, Its mostly cause I cant understand a word they are saying.

Wheor are yee ganin the’da?

*Where are you going today?*

Now, my Scottish accent is pretty soft and not really rough or anything. But when someone speaks to me and I don’t really understand, I turn into this posh person I had no idea existed. Similar to my mothers “phone voice” actually. You all know what i’m talking about!

Oh good afternoon! Id like to go to the Copthorne hotel, please.

Wot yee deeyuhn thor?

*What are you doing there?*

Oh I have my friends wedding there today.

Its a canny da fo’ a weddin! the sun it yeut an’ its canny warm.

*Its a nice day for a wedding. The sun is out and it is warm*

Yes, yes it is…been busy?

Hhaha little joke there 😉

I managed to get to the hotel without issue and as I walk in…oh nobody is here. Awkward. Luckily within a few minutes I spotted the groom and best man! When I met them I got handed several ties for us Ushers and a bottle of Bollinger.

Oh hello old friend!

That’s not for you! That’s for Faye (bride) and I!

…As i took my teeth off the cork, I start to see other family members arrive. All who Ive never met before, all who are confused as to who I am.

You’re Faye’s side?

I can see them thinking “But…you’re Scottish”

Its a confusing situation.

The wedding went off without a hitch! Lovely day had by all.

First words from my mum when i showed her this photo – “Well he could have shaved…”

Haha!

Train home was fine, first class again, this time tea and chocolate cookies. Oh you’re spoiling me EastCoast rail!

How did you like the cookies?

An overenthusiastic train worker asked me.

Oh they were nice!

Dead chocolatey aren’t they! I love them!

Bless him.

I got back to Glasgow and decided to go back to the dangerous lock, similar to the Shining, flat instead of getting another train home and having to come back up to get my stuff the next day anyway.

Sensible idea right?

So the next morning i’m lying in bed and I hear the door. I thought it must be someone just trying the wrong door, much like me a few nights prior. Only I actually heard the door open…

That’s really worrying. I got up and went to the living room (making sure the bedroom door wasn’t going to shut on me) and looked out the window to see a woman at her car staring up at me.

She started walking back to the building and came up the stairs. I quickly got dressed and answered the door.

She seems confused as to why I was there and informed me she owned the flat.

Awkward.

Once she knew who I was and that I wasn’t going to kill her, she lightened up.

I decided though, that I should just leave that damn flat. I quickly packed my stuff away and left swiftly.

I got about half way home on the train when I started to wonder if she was a burglar…a well planned burglar. So I ended up going back up that afternoon to check she hadn’t cleaned the place out.

She hadn’t. She just cleaned.

I get to give the keys back to my friend tomorrow thank god. That flat seriously hates me. I’m never going back to it alone. 

Word of warning ZListers: Don’t flat-sit. Its just…too stressful.

 

Always Remember Your ID.

Its always exciting when I get invited to go to parties. Its the day of the week I don’t need to feel bad about drinking. *Pours another vodka*

So my Zlist reader, it was Saturday and I was heading up to Glasgow for my friend’s, who shall be affectionately referred to as ‘Kermit’, birthday party. I was mildly apprehensive getting the train up because mere days before, I was to attend a house party and ended up getting stuck at my train station due to a fire, waited 2 hours for replacement buses, then had to stop at every little train station along the route, befriended a handsome man, exchanged chewing gum (not like that) and discussed the current economic climate (no joke) then got dropped off the station before the one I needed to get to. Cue another 30 minute wait for a “limit service” train to take me to my stop. Three and a half hours it took me to do a half hour journey.

Luckily this train ride went smoothly. Apart from blasting Miley Cyrus from my iPhone by mistake. Not even sorry.

So I was getting picked up by my mates who were driving down from the North. Only they were at the bus station, which is, in my opinion, all the way across the city. Its actually a 10 minutes walk but still. Ugh. I traipsed my way across the centre, rain pouring down, and got to the bus station to find my friends car surrounded by buses. Its ok, we can just pretend its a bus and make a hasty escape.

Once we had made our way to the party location, no thanks to dodgy sat nav direction, we parked the car as close as we could to the house. Only thing was, we didnt know the house number. Now remember its pouring rain right now, I have two girls with me, one’s mascara is now half way down her face and the other has decided:

We are gonna have to start chapping doors

No. No we shall not. Its Glasgow, we’ll probably get stabbed. No answer from phones, and no Facebook responses we were considering going home. Then like an angel, Kermit appeared in front of a ball of light and saved us. More accurately she came out the door and screamed our names until we found her. Regardless, we were out the rain.

So by the time we got there, the rest of the party is in full swing and I’m starving. It’s fine though, ill drink through it. We head to Kermits room to make a quick change and freshen up. I had my top half way off when I hear Kermit bring in other latecomers to introduce us. Perfect timing. I whip my top off (cause its getting changed anyway) and in typical Me fashion, recognise one of the introducee’s. I knew that guy. Not like I’d asked him out before or anything, no not me, I’m ever the classy guy I am…

Clearly time for the vodka.

Naturally, we poured quite strong measures, you know, cause you gotta catch up! We parked ourselves in the kitchen and started to mingle, while I tried my best to avoid eye contact with Oh-Hello-I’ve-Got-My-Top-Off-How-Awkward boy. I was just getting settled into getting my drunk on when we find out we are leaving early to go to the club! Disaster! I’m not drunk! Down it.

To add to my devastation it became apparently we weren’t waiting on taxis arriving but indeed we were WALKING to the club. Jacket on and zipped up, we braved the elements. By mere inches we avoided getting soaked by a passing car. No joke, could have been drenched. Shed, the club, was only 5 minutes away but in the rain it just seems like forever. We get to the door and get asked for ID.

Why, do I look under 18? *giggles*

Wait someone doesn’t have their ID?

Look, the rest of us have shown you ID and we are all 23 there about’s. Why would we be hanging with a 17 year old? Can she not just come in?

Nice and diplomatic, no?

Right that’s it, your all not getting in now.

Oh that went well then.

We managed to get the guys who were already in the club, aka everyone except us 4, and asked what to do. Nobody had keys to go back to the house to get the ID…except the parents who were out for drinks with friends…

So ID girl and I headed to the hotel where the birthday girls parents were having drinks, to get the house keys. Finally we find the hotel in which the parents are frequenting. Now lets just wander in, soaking wet and find people we have met once and ask them for keys to get into their house. What could go wrong?

Luckily, Kermit has two of the nicest parents ever so getting the keys wasn’t a problem. They did seem amused by the situation and I’m certain they thought we were totally bonkers but hey ho. Back through the rain we trailed and found the house again. Remembered the number this time. Run back into the house and we are met by the big German shepherd pet. She would be a rubbish guard dog and seemed more interested in getting petted than why there were two strangers in her house. After a quick search of bags, we couldn’t find the ID.

Crap

However! Me being the smart boy that I am, had a Eureka! moment.

Check the car!

Also made time for a mirror shot

After setting off the car alarm in typical slapstick fashion, Success. Passport found, house locked up, keys returned to parents, we headed back to the club. Actually we went past the club cause we weren’t allowed in. We met the other two club rejects and made a plan. We decided to head into town and. since everyone just wanted to get drunk, we went to the gay club.

When we got to the door, still raining, the bouncer turns to us and says

Aren’t you the group I just turned away?

Now, as i said previously, I’m a smart boy. But even the thickest of folk could have dodged that question by saying “no” even if it was them that had been knocked back. For a moment I thought the bouncer from Shed had travelled to Polo just to ruin our night again. But this was just a manly lesbian. Who was actually quite nice and took ALL our ID’s and let us in. Hurrah!

Now it was maybe about 1am at this point. We asked when the club was open til, because this would dictate how much alcohol could be consumed in the time we had. 3am having to do, we got the doubles out and went for it. Now, gay clubs are great for people watching. Its truly hilarious watching the ugly gay for after the hot gay, or the old gay going after the twink. The girls were impressed with how many good looking guys there were though. Naturally in a gay club, it’s only so long before someone’s got their top off. My mate spied him and was adamant she was getting a photo.

Are you straight?!

(said sarcastically) Yes!

What a surprise. Better luck next time 😉

Now the usual dancing, drink, dancing, drinking happened for a while until we spotted worldwide superstar NeYo! I spied him quite close to us and in true subtle Paul form shouted

ITS NEYO, WELL ITS NOT, BUT GET A PHOTO!

And we did.

It was also only a matter of time before one of the girls found the straight guy on the secret prowl. He was a bit of a douchey skater boy type and when he got the KB (knock back) he swiftly left…only to turn up literally a few minutes later when I came back from the toilets, eating the face off this…guy?…girl?…lesbian? Well “it” was wearing chinos and had Justin Bieber hair so I made the deduction that it must indeed, be lesbian in nature. I stared for a good few minutes, mouth open in confusion and disgust in equal measures.

Once they had disappeared, my mates, having never been to this club, were excited at the fact theres like glass cages where guys dance… What they didnt know is that theres also a shower head atop the dancing booths…

So yes. Beware the showers or youll get wet. Im pretty sure they were turned on just to be mean 😛 It was shortly after this we had to leave, possibly by force, I cant be sure. Since we hadnt eaten since lunchtime we were dying for some food. After a bit of walking we found a shop and ordered ourselves stuff. Myself and my mate got ours first and finished it off pretty quickly. We spent the next 20 minutes waiting for a pizza to be made fresh. It felt like it took an abnormally long time to make, but eventually, this pizza came. Now of course, we had to wait while the pizza was consumed. Ugh.

Oh yum, look at the pizza, here have a slice..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aw shit. I’m glad that’s not my food…oh you’re picking it back up…oh you’re gonna eat it?…yeah they are eating it.

After our gourmet meal we spent the next hour hailing a taxi. Turns out guys aren’t so chivalrous to girls at 4:30am the bastards. We 100% got into an unlicensed taxi but at the point we didn’t care. Least we would get some warmth before we were sex trafficked. That was my thinking anyway. The plus side was that we weren’t sold into the sex trade, but we were robbed as the driver charged us waaaay too much. But screw it, we were back!

What you mean there is no where to sleep?

Like something out of Changing Rooms, we created 3 make shift beds from cushions and pillows. And they were pretty comfy. Only thing was we didn’t have any covers…cue a fur coat and a dog blanket. Yay! Now we could attempt to get some sleep. Shame about the demonic snoring we had to endure then…

That morning I was woken up by the over friendly pet dog. Not my ideal scenario but I’m sure folk have woken up with worse. Yes, I’m talking to YOU!

There’s a couple other things that happened that night. But they are best left unsaid. For our reputati…yeah I’m just kidding. But seriously, some things shouldn’t be made public. Feel free to ask em and ill tell you though 😉

A relatively safe night out untimately descended into madness. But what else would you expect from a ZLister 😛

Go For A Night Out…End Up In Hostel Part 4

A couple of weeks ago my mate announced she was having her birthday night out in Glasgow! Which was great because I didn’t need to travel far, and more of our mates could come too. The only downside I foresaw was that they were all staying in a hostel.

Now I’m not a snob with things like this (I bloody well am) but I personally would rather get a Travelodge and know my door will lock. But I’m over-cautious. Luckily for me, I have a mate that stays in the centre of Glasgow! Yus. I have a safe place to sleep.

Unfortunately we were required to make an appearance at this hostel before we headed out. Now as you are all aware, it’s getting older now and any unnecessary moving about is just a hassle. Regardless, I managed to get my mate ready in time and get a taxi out to the hostel. We needed to hurry as we already had someone outside the hostel, too scared to walk in on their own! Now this hostel was way out the back of beyond. I had no clue where we were heading and quite frankly I was convinced the taxi driver was in on it and we were all getting raped and killed. We were raped…by the taxi fare! Robbery so it is.

I wouldn’t have known it was a hostel if it hadn’t been for my friend outside it, shivering. Not because of the cold, out of fear. Luckily we spotted some people we knew inside and decided to be brave and enter…

They say there is safety in numbers, and I was happy to go along with that so I positioned myself against a wall in the middle of our group. Ah safety, ill just pour myself a wee drink and we can get started…

hi hows it going? I’m *insert generic name here*

Oh this must be one of the friends I hadn’t met before. So I start chatting away about my favourite topic, Me, and things seem OK. I’ve ignored the mullet hairstyle (must be a hipster thing) and the bandanna he’s wearing circa 1995.

Then this girl sits down with him and I gather that they are obviously going out. She is equally as “hippie” as he, and her hair is short with several braids coming out as various points. So a pretty sexy couple all round. Both seem nice enough until they mention:

Yeah we run the hostel, we have been for a few years now

Great I’m talking with Mr. & Mrs. Killington. Worse than that, it dawns on me that they are scoping me out to kill me first! I’ve seen too many horror films to die first let me tell you. So being a survivor, I call over my blonde, big breasted friend to sit next to me.

WHAT?! don’t give me that. I hadn’t seen her in ages, we needed to catch up. Jeez.

So you’re a screamer and you will run if chased?

They look at me confused.

Nevermind…so how are you?!

Planting the seed for later 😉

The Killington’s leave my side thankfully to go sort out the music being played. They probably like a bit of “Vide Cor Meum” when they are carving up their victims. Bastards. After a while I notice they have disappeared from the room. Clearly isolating the first of us, and having thoroughly scared my blonde, big breasted mate that we may all be killed…we did the sensible thing and went to find the bathroom.

How I Remember The Bathroom

We were directed to it by Mrs. Killington and decided that one of us would stand guard while the other went. Fool proof I tell you! Of course, being a horror buff I was snooping around to see what was about in this “hostel”. Apart from clear safety violations, I found nothing of interest except a shower room. Destined to be my death place I was sure.

Uncanny resemblance right?

So she pee’d, I pee’d we all pee’d and were happy. Until Mr. Killington appeared again.

Yeah he’s got a knife.

I bloody knew this was going to happen!!! RUUUUUUUN.

Oh you used to work for Jamie Oliver? Tell me more…

35k a year…and now you run a hostel. Good career move pal.

Why do these things happen to me? I creepy hostel owner randomly pulls out a knife, not to kill us but to inform us that he’s a trained culinary whizz!

At that point we left the hostel for the safety of the Glasgow streets. The night out itself wasn’t as eventful as the Hostel. Got turned away from one club, probably cause the Killington’s phoned ahead and wanted to isolate us from crowded places. Ended up in a rough club and got horrifically drunk. Felt up my mate several times, spent a shit load of money and had this horrific Subway on the way back. They didn’t have any bread left…alright…oh you’re using wraps…wonderful. Tasted awful! Never agree to a wrap at Subway, its terrible!

appropriately wasted…lets head back to the hostel!!! Woo, cause cheating death once in a night, clearly wasn’t enough 😉

The Killington’s were still up, naturally, since they probably have lots of bones to dissolve before morning. However they informed us that there was a hot tub. Starting to look promising. Who doesn’t like bathing in others filth. Only thing was it was across the road. He said this after we’d started striping off. So at 5am we all start running across the road to this hot tub. It was as awful as you’d expect. I was have expecting it to be acid and burn us all alive. Surprisingly it was just water though.

The next day I couldn’t find the pants id been wearing. I never found them. I feel they might have been kicked off in the street of something. When it comes to me, it’s not that far-fetched. Either that or some inbred abomination who dwells under the hostel is currently sniffing them. I’ll go for that one.

There is never just a normal night out with us, something always goes wrong or we get landed in a ridiculous situation. In this case it was the latter, and joking aside it was a pretty great night.

The other antics cannot be made public. I try to just avoid using my friends names so they don’t kill me and can still leave the house. There will be another ludicrous story to tell soon zlisters. Until then, stay safe and don’t go stay with homicidal hostel owners.